To address a few concerns…

Thank you for your concern. Thank you for your support. Always remember the ranting of Jen is not necessarily coherent, but the passionate underlying remains true to fact and form. I was a little shaken up by the events in the cottage this week, obviously. I needed a little bit of time to process this, obviously. Here is where I stand.

1. There is a crisis staff on duty overnights, 24 hours a day every day. I did not have the phone nearby to call. I did not choose to call upon seeing the girl out of her room, (no one would have…) HOWEVER NOW I will do so immediately the next time I see anyone up and not following my first directive, and so will every other staff on this campus. (I was not expecting to be jumped, it has never been necessary to carry a phone at all times.) PLUS it is my negligence for having personal keys not locked up in the safe. Again, all staff will now make sure that everything is locked up.

Whenever there is a report of any type of a problem, this crisis staff is stationed to be in the cottage with me overnight. However, there are five cottages. We also have a supervisor on-call to come to campus at any time. After crisis staff arrived, I also had the on-call supervisor, my direct supervisor, the assistant director as well as the director in my cottage dealing with this situation. NOT to mention the school principal came directly into the cottage when arriving and hearing about the situation. And, the police were there in about 2 minutes.

2. I filed an agency incident report. The police filed a report. I filed an employee injury report. I went over to the school nurses office to get the report and was examined by them, and given ibuprofen. Documentation is well covered. I over document everything, always had always will…the legal nature of the beast known as Jen coupled with excessive verbosity…my supervisors LOVE me! I have no visible bruises, or bumps…just aches and pains.

ALSO *my agency* provides free medical care at their “Healthworks” location for anyone who needs it. I could have went to the doctor and left campus immediately at 5:30 if I needed to. I could have left campus at 7, 8, 9…I did not have to stay until 2 that day. I chose to, and I explained to everyone why I felt that was necessary. I have never been one to not state my opinion that I need to leave…again, trust me on this decision, I know it does not make sense to you but it makes a HUGE difference in the eyes of the residents.HUGE. If I felt like I was seriously injured in ANY way, or mentally unable to deal with the situation I would have been out of there in a second, with the support of *my agency.*

3. In addition to agency policy, child care counselors are protected by a union contract as well, which states that we are required to be in a safe working environment at all times. There are procedures to be followed, special conferences to be called etc…and this process is occurring at this time. The resident who jumped me is in isolation at this time, away from all the other residents in a separate building. The other two girls who were directly involved are in the cottage on lock down. Lock down requires 1:1 staff for each resident. Yesterday morning there were 4 staff in this cottage.

4. Legally in NYS- I can only charge the resident with harassment, not assault. She is in violation of her probation, and petitions have been filed. HOWEVER THE CURRENT SYSTEM is bullshit…and she’s likely to get a slap on the wrist from the judge. We have had residents that have been repeatedly violent in our care…much, much worse and it takes weeks to get them removed. Even if the resident had harmed me physically, she would have been taken to lockup for about, oh one minute and returned back to our care. The system is overloaded, and SEVERELY underfunded.

Yesterday

So here are my thoughts on yesterday. At the moment I’m worn and torn because of a physical altercation with one of my residents who jumped me from behind demanding me to hand over my keys last night. AND not getting enough sleep because I ended up staying at work until 2pm, and never got a chance to process this mess before attempting to sleep. Yeah that probably has something to do with it too.

But really, my heart and mind hurt more than my body aches. Something to do with crossing that invisible barrier from “helping troubled youth who are placed into residential care facilities”  into “protecting and physically defending myself from troubled youth performing criminal acts on staff” is where I’m having the most difficulty.

I do not have an easy job. I do not have a stress free job. I have been involved with physical crisis situations many, many times. I have had to deal with physical restraints and bruises and muscle aches. THIS IS PART OF MY JOB. I have no problem accepting the responsibility that I might have to become physically involved in a crisis situation. Although I have to admit I’m pretty damn good at deescalating situations before they become out of control. I have known staff members who have been bitten, kicked, punched, slapped, stabbed etc… all a part of dealing with crisis situations. However I have only heard of one other incident in my five years, where a resident actually attempted to harm or injure staff, thereby becoming the crisis situation.

And I was one of them last night. And more painful then my neck and chest right now is the fact that my illusion of safety and trust that we all demand in my line of work, has been shattered.

I’m served with a life sentence greater than myself when I can go through the day that I had FULL OF RAGE and yet still sit in a room one on one with the girl who fought me, whom I pressed charges on… and look at her and try to figure out how the hell we can try to help her. How to imagine what her life must be like to make her be who she is at that moment sitting in front of me. I was in danger, I could have been in an incredibly more serious amount of danger and I cant even begin to think about what if…

I’m cursed, and blessed. The fact that I’m back at work tonight shows I’m stupid and dedicated to a cause greater than my own. And I both hate and love myself for being this person. This person which no one could possibly understand. Underpaid. Overstressed. And now attacked from a resident. How much more do I need on my resume? Does anything I do really make a difference or am I stupid for trying? THESE are the feelings I’m hurting from the most. : (

So what happened? Alas… I wish I could post one of the incident reports although it will be therapeutic to explain the incident to someone, even if it is a pretend cyberspace someone. I really needed someone, anyone, to be there to talk to yesterday morning while I was stuck at work. I only broke down for a wee minute on a voice mail or two right after everything happened, and then I had to be professional Jen and not feel, but deal.

I could have went home but the importance of ME being there with the girls made an enormous statement, which I was complemented for several times. The most important thing we do at work is create a safe environment for our kids. They come from shattered backgrounds, no boundaries, no control, and no respect and choosing to stay at work to continue to deal with the situation showed that I was ok and things were in control. Of course, 49% (bad selfish Jen) just wanted to go to bed and cry but that damn 51% (good selfless Jen) won out, no crying, no dealing, no feeling and we ALL KNOW what happens to me when this happens… everything in the world crashes all in at once. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, to be me.

The Scene:

So, I come into work Tuesday night-early Wednesday morn, after taking a day off to complete my final paper for my domestic violence class. I read the communication log. I read a rumor that one resident “overheard that 4 other girls were planning on jumping her in the middle of the night.” (Not QUITE true, the reality was they planned on jumping STAFF… but close.)

I read that 2 other girls, who have rooms next to each other, got into a physical fight and were both suspended. I read that yet another of my lovelies is currently placed across campus in isolation because of her behavior at school. THANK GOD  this was the 4th girl who was planning on attacking me to knock me out.

Plus there is the on-going saga with 3 girls in the OTHER wing who have already ran on me in the middle of the night, ran on another staff on Saturday in the middle of the afternoon, and have been up causing problems in the middle of the night just because they can and they have nothing to lose. Tough girls to crack. They DO NOT CARE. “Do I look like I fucking care? Do I? Do I bitch? Try me…”

At 4:30am when I did my check down the hall I noticed all 3 of my troublemakers had their doors open. I sat in front of the doors. 15 minutes pass and Girl #1 comes out, sees me and asks to go to the bathroom and goes back in her room. 30 minutes pass. The same girl now comes out of her room marches past me into Girl #2′s room and SCREAMS “Wake up bitch, I said get up.” They are now both up and making much fuss… it is 5:15. I let #1 stay in the room with #2 because I know they will only leave to incite the rest of the group and at anytime honestly, you cant be sure who’s friends with who and what plan they have. My mistake. The phone is locked in the office. As soon as I walk away they would run or worse they would get the others up and cause more problems. So I’m wait a few minutes.

They threaten to hurt me if I do not let them go to the bathroom, go get a drink, go back into the other room (mind you this is about 3 minutes total of yelling going on… and this situation happens DAILY IN MY JOB.) I tell them when they are quiet I will let them go. #1 is still threatening me and pushes past me to “go to her room” #2 passes me under my arm and heads up toward the office to “go to the bathroom” I have my keys in hand and am walking towards office to call crisis staff. Worse case scenario now, the girls run… bye bye.

As I briskly walk to the office, #1 comes up behind me from NOWHERE and jumps me… she is tackling me and screaming “drop the fucking keys bitch!” I do not know where the other girl went and I’m being attacked from behind. A wee bit of shock sets in. We are in front of the office and I’m trying to break free for at least a minute or two. I cannot, although I could have, restrain her, because I’m alone and that puts me in danger not knowing where girl #2 is… so instead I am trying to break free to get into the locked office.

Girl #1 somehow manages to pull apart my key ring and now I have my work keys in one hand and personal keys in the other. My keys are also on one of those shoelaces gigs because when I do not have pockets on (my mistake—next time always have pockets) I wear it almost as a purse strap. NEVER around my neck. This girl is absolutely off the wall and will NOT let off of me. She is grabbing for my personal keys because the two rings broke apart, and I have a pair in each hand…the shoelace part was dangling, she somehow at one point managed to grab my arm from the other side to get the lace around my neck and was attempting to choke me. Yeah I’m not kidding. Somewhere in this madness I see a bunch of my girls starting to gather around.

I was absolutely certain that this group of girls were up to see what was happening, not once did I believe any of them would get involved and none of them did they were all actually quite scared and in shock. I was yelling (instinctively) “someone please help me!” My mistake scaring the girls, what could THEY do? I regret that now. I was thinking I could hand over my office keys to one of the girls and they would get in to call, however since this fight was happening in front of the very small area in front of the office door, it was unsafe. Plus putting a resident in that position when I was aware that a GROUP of girls were involved is not smart. These girls turn on each other faster than comments about asking for Coach Williams head on a platter surface after a miserable football game… gang mentality.

So now one of my other girls actually attempts to jump the one who is on my back to help me… mind you last week this girl “hated me more than she ever hated any other staff ever up in this place… ever.” I’m not sure how she got away. I think another resident pulled her off.

I’m hearing girl #2 tell me that if I wanted to help myself all I had to do was drop my fucking keys they were ABSOLUTELY insistent upon getting them before they left. They could knock me out, I couldn’t call for help…all part of their plan…of course I was not supposed to fight back in their plan…hmmm.

I did break free at one point and fell up against the door banging my head (which hurts a little) and when I got up towards the office, the girl jumped on me again… she even pulled my sleeve off (big roomy flannel) while girl #2 tried to pry the keys out of my hands repeatedly. She did not JUMP me but she did put hands on several times to pry open my hands. I actually weaseled my way out of my shirt now I’m half naked fighting in front of 10 girls standing there in shock-EMBARRASSED MUCH??? I broke free again, this time though… I ran out the door.

I ran to the car, got in (cause without the car I was afraid the girls would still come after me while trying to open the school door) and went to the cottage next door to get help, about a minute later crisis staff came in, I followed and the three girls, who we knew were going to run… were gone. (I later found out all the girls ran to the window to see what was happening and thought I was leaving them alone… for good.

In retrospect… I’m beating myself up for not thinking about running to the cottage after breaking free sooner although my instinct was in the right place… during a riot, leaving the kids alone? After all one of the girls jumped on me to protect me with me gone do they jump her? Do they all run? Bad move to leave… And so I regret leaving the cottage at all and leaving this possibility of endangering the kids… Dammed if I do, dammed if I don’t. No one got hurt when I left, but…but…what if?  And all three levels of supervisors totally support and commend my every decision….but still….I’m nowhere near at ease.

And should I have just dropped my keys (office ones?) The other girls later told staff when we were debriefing the morning events that the girls were planning something more serious, like knocking me out… and they also said it wasn’t supposed to be that serious because I should have just given them my keys. I was NOT going to drop them, let them get in a car and injure other people. My one supervisor said he thinks he might have just given the keys up. I can’t imagine ever doing so… unless it was a really bad situation which it did not become. 10 kids were not on me, only 1… why? I dunno, damn lucky. I would have NEVER expected #1 to do it, and would have every reason in the world to suspect #2… and it was the other way around…never can tell. So scary.

So cops were called, charges were pressed, although the 2 girls (under 16) are here on JD charges and now in violation of their probation, nothing will happen. Appearance ticket, tap on wrist if that. The three residents who ran of course did not get anywhere in the rain in their pajamas…they were found on campus an hour later and came back screaming in my face, gloating. “Hi Jen, are you ok Jen, someone beat you up Jen, you fucking whore bitch.” RAGE RAGE RAGE…I told the cop, very cute cop by the way, that he should hold off on the missing persons report cause they would be back in an hour…and I wasn’t sure if I would rather never ever see their damn faces again…or watch them come back and confront them face to face. Life.

I could say more, but I am feeling the rage again…

Egads! This just hit me!

Oh dear. I have realized a certain correlation between recent odd events in my life…

1. My incessant craving for all things sweet and sugary the last few weeks- including chocolate which I never, ever *crave*

2. My viewing of the movie Down With Love, which suggests women use chocolate as a substitute for sex (and love)

3. My absence of (well, # 2 see above!) is causing the phenomenon (#1 above!)

YIKES!!!!

Can anyone relate?

Ralph Lauren Polo Cologne.

My heart is all a flutter thinking about it.

I was trying to locate parking this morning at UB. Always a fun game. I tried several lots, nothing. Went to the paid metered lot, nothing. Ended up driving to the commuter lot and waited 10 minutes for shuttle bus…annoying Perhaps…but…someone up there is looking out for me.

Man who sat next to me on the shuttle bus…was wearing Polo.

(I need a moment, pardon me.)

Ok. I am back. Polo, for those of you who do NOT know is my ultimate ” ” mood enhancer.

And yes, I realize that this scent is almost extinct. No one wears this anymore, blah blah blah…but for those few who do, THANK YOU. Thank you for taking me right back to 6th grade when I dreamed of my adorable crush, the preppy glasses wearing mayor’s son.

And then there is the continued memory in college when my uh, first Phi Psi fraternity cutie PFD (pledge formal date) decided to send me notes in the mail, sprayed with Polo…and the next year Phi Psi PFD who borrowed his roommates Polo because he knew I liked it (oh and he gave me a peach rose) or the days when I would visit him while working in Carr Hall basement and it was him, me and Polo in the air…ah the fond memories!

And I’m recalling a fun little outing in Myrtle Beach which involved a bunch of girlfriends at this AWFUL hip hop club…and the group getting free drinks from one sole rich man who was after one of the Jennifer’s in the group, not myself…and somehow this night morphed into me on the dance floor with following a man wearing Polo…the scent alone made me do it, I believe that Erin danced with him later and he had was it *bad teeth*?

Ahhhh. I tried to get the certain someone-esque who occupied most of my prime years of the 20′s to wear the scent, but to no avail. Stetson was his cologne of choice. I did eventually find Cool Water as a nice compromise…and dutifully bought a gift set immediately upon learning this was acceptable.

Ah Polo. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

Polo. And waking from a wonderfully passionate dream this morning…involving swings, ladybugs, roses and a time stopping memorable first kiss scenario. I’m barely breathing here. ; ) I think I need some “Down With Love” chocolate right now, would Peanut M-n-M’s do????

Otto Titsling…invent me this!

Ladies out there can relate to this…bra anxiety. How difficult is it to find the perfect fitting brassiere these days…pinch, pull, push, mold, minimize, debounce, soothe…you name it.

I just realized that I have thrown away both of my white everyday bras. Which now leaves me with a multitude of inappropriate colors and patterns to wear underneath a white tee shirt at the gym. Hmmm.

It usually takes a while to throw one out, I admit. I put it in the back and grab it at a later date only to remember the straps are loose, the underwire is poking, my cup over runneth…etc. And once in a rare while I get in a throwing out kind of mood. But I forget to replace. : ( And this is my current situation while wearing my plum satin too bug of a cup bra right at the moment.

The other problem comes when it is time to replace the favorite one…the one that has been with you through push up and pull…through better and worse…through cleavage man hunts and damn amazing support for treadmill. I cant tell you how long I have had my best friend in my life, it has been too long…but she is getting worn. No other undergarment has come close to the support and assistance I have received over the year(s)?

And now I am on a massive search for a new friend. If I find a worthy substitute, I will make sure to buy a few in white as well as red, black, blue, etc…any suggestions on a good model to support the DD’s? And still look sexy and perky at the same time…Otto where are you???????????

Overtime…aaah.

I HATE COMPUTERS. So this time, I am writing writing writing in my little blog world, making sure to save on the clipboard when the SCREEN FREEZES. Bam. All my effort down the tubes…this is why I like my paper and pen journal best. Grrrr.

So now I will have to recreate again. Blah.

I am here at work doing the 1am-9am shift for the weekend…overtime is nice. I can pretend, almost, that I make a normal person salary  when I see my rate instead of the fantastic $23,000 I am accustomed to. Lovely fun really.

I should be working on my Domestic Violence paper, something to do with TANF reauthorization, marriage promotion initiatives and how this legislation will effect victims of DV. Instead I blog. Blog away.

In no particular order:

1. Cable News Anchors etc… and God Bless VH1 and “I Love the 80′s

I was innocently watching my nightly dose of Crossfire. But since Novak was on the right instead of my beloved Tucker, I started flipping channels. I ended up in 1983 “Strikes Back” Damn fun reliving my childhood in a colorful witty stream of consciousness. I was sucked in. Immediately. Between the witty brown haired boy commentary and the many many song clips… wow. A great natural high. I HIGHLY recommend. I even missed my other beloved, Anderson Cooper on his 7pm news show! Geez am I a news junkie, or an adorable anchor junkie or worse, BOTH? What kind of man would I be attracted to in life if Alex P. Keaton never existed? A scenario I never want to imagine!

Alex P. Keaton: [Referring to a current infatuation] “Of all the Basic Applied Economic Principles of Capitalism in the Post-Industrial Era Seminars in the world, you had to walk into mine.”

Oh, and I have found a recent resurgent interest in C-Span as well… YES, I occasional get stuck on this channel it all started back during the Contract With America. I’m glad there is no *Supreme Court Oral Argument* network. God Save the Honorable Court! I would never leave the house…anyhow, C-Span and C-Span 2 (I’m told to check out #3 but here in Buffalo we are not so blessed to have the additional airtime) My very own Alex(giant smiles) has told me to tune in, quite a few times in the last few weeks, to catch a glimpse of his charming, non-partisan intellectual-suit and preppy glasses wearing self in action. Mmmmmm. And if I tell you all that this is a turn-on would ya believe me? Yeah, I know I know…BUT BUT *Republican, Tenor, Preppy Glasses…* 13 years later and the catch phrase still holds dear to my heart…Next subject.

2. CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Seriously, is there anyone else out there that is DYING to start playing Christmas music? The only thing holding me back from breaking out the Brit Classic “My Only Wish This Year” is the fact that all of JEN CHRISTMAS (aka penguins penguins and more penguins) are somehow crammed into my only closet space unable to be de-wedged until “FALL” is ready to go back into the closet. I ONLY have a few more weeks to go BUT I am not sure if I can wait until Thanksgiving. I might need to break out Christmas early!!! OF COURSE this is my most wonderful favourite time of the year… lovelovelove it. Start me up with Christmas Eve-Eve- Christmas Eve-Christmas-Birthday Eve-Birthday- New Years Eve-Eve, New Years Eve and Day of Rest! (In fact I’m so excited I already requested the entire two weeks off from work!) However, I think it is because of my last few lackluster holiday seasons : ( that I’m highly anticipating this one. PLUS I reach the age of majority to run for Senate this year and NY will need someone to replace our beloved Junior Senator for the next election cycle (oh, assuming she gives up her seat to run for Prez, NOT assuming she will WIN of course)  Bring it on…LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW!!!

Blog Executive Summary

Ha. I was told, by someone not too near, but very dear to my heart that I needed to start sending out *Executive Summaries* of my blog each day. As we all know, I am never short on words…however today (and this weekend) I find myself with not much to talk about. So here is the short blog to start of my Monday.

1. DOWN WITH LOVE
Saw it. Love a man who can sing.

2. Church.
Went to it (St. Paul’s Cathedral) Felt guilty for abandoning Catholic faith of dead family members.

3. Buffalo
a. Bills- won. woo hoo.
b. Weather- cool. lovelovelove it.

4. Passport
I think I want to get one of these. They have 3-4 day trips to London and Paris for December for approx. $400!!!! A nice birthday gift for myself? Any joiners?

5. Monday
Blah. Too much to do this week. Too lazy to accomplish it all.

Note to self- never write another blog like this. must be verbose and witty.

; )

“I need someone older and wiser, telling me what to do…”

Hello world. “Let’s start at the very beginning…A very good place to start” I’m not sure if anyone out there is reading anything I have to say. But I will continue to *say* anyways.

1. Man over Niagara Falls.

Drop it already, the dumbass wants 10 minutes of fame for attempting suicide, so let’s give him 30 instead. “To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls…over stones on its way.” Drop it. Drop it drop it. Even my beloved Anderson Cooper had the story on the other night. Some equally dumbassed person was on the local news today after visiting the hospital to get his autograph. Enough people, really. This story is taking up more time then the dreaded “Yes, it is snowing in Buffalo” 10 minute headlining opener that we will discover in a few weeks. (For those of you not blessed with the Buffalo media…here is an example.)

Reporter in Parka to Man on the Street: “It is snowing in Buffalo, what are your thoughts?”

Man on Street to Reporter in Parka: “Uhhh. I need a shovel in my car?”

I hate stupid news stories that go on too long…and WHY are we allowing a mass murderer to give up his right to counsel, no wait, take back his team of lawyers???? Why? GUILITY. Deal with the consequences you coward. Stop playing games and start serving time.

2. Senator Schumer’s latest crusade…college textbook prices are too high.

No shit. Why not tackle a real issue…I can name at least 27 issues worth discussing regarding New York and the future of our society. Why textbooks? Grab that college vote…”Climb every mountain, ford every stream….” And I like this man.

3. NEW MEATLOAF MUSIC?

Uhh. why? Anyone?
“When you know the notes to sing, you can sing most…” Meatloaf????

4. Leroy sucks

My dumb adopted Leroy, $500 down the tubes…is now going to cost a whole lot more. I hate the standard hotrod. Leroy and I are not on speaking terms right now. Leroy decided to casually roll into the nice Jeep that was parked in front of him, Tuesday morning. Leroy knew I was running late, “She’s always late for chapel, But her penitence is real, She’s always late for everything! Except for every meal…” and Leroy acted upon my naivete. Bad, bad Leroy. Now I hit another car, hello insurance claim…(only scratched the bumper but still…add this to the stolen, BUT NOT STOLEN $7000 claim on my record and…grrrrr.) OH, AND Leroy needs eye surgery cause he smashed his right one WIDE open. Fabulous. Really. I am overjoyed right now. And I thought it *might* be ok when the person Leroy hit did NOT call on Tuesday…but Lo! Person called today. grrrr. NO BREAK for me. “You dear attractive dewy-eyed idealist, Today you have to learn to be a realist.”

5. Manifestos.

Why do I insist on saying everything I feel at every moment I am feeling it?
I already have my “stupid whistle” moment…now all I need to do is sit on a pinecone.

“Timid and shy and scared am I, of things beyond my ken…”

6. The lonely goatherd yodel.

The Sound of Music is playing at Shea’s Theater…the commercials are contagious. And since I know every last line and harmony…I am stuck singing “Happy are they lady ho lady lee ho, ho lady ho lady lady ho. Soon the duet will become a trio, lady odl lay odl loo..Odl lay hee….odl lay hee…odl lay hee hee..Odl lay hee odl lay hee odl lay, hoo!” And now you will be too!

Regretfully they tell us, But firmly they compel us to say goodbye to you…(and no, I do not know who THEY are… ; )

Lonely

The last time you spoke to another human being was two days ago…
Which was also the last time you left the house…

THANK GOD for work tomorrow, human contact if nothing else : (

I hate being alone when I don’t want to be…

Something you do NOT want to be reminded of…

from your announcers while watching the football game (and one of them is Steve Tasker!)

“Bledsoe is the most sacked quarterback in the NFL this season…”

Ugh.

Ralph owed a fish fry on birthday

Yes, it’s Ralph Wilson’s 86th birthday. Ties are out. Slippers he owns. He wears Bills’ sweaters, not knitted ones. Could it be too much to skip the birthday cake with the four score and half dozen candles and have the Bills produce a bona fide victory in honor of their boss today? His birthday present request list has just one item written on it: “Beat the Dolphins!”

It’s not asking too much. This Buffalo-Miami game is like a re-enactment of the battle between the Monitor and the Merrimac, those two Civil War ironclads that were precursors to modern battleships. They moved glacially and had short and unhappy futures. Just like the 2004 Bills and Dolphins.

When you’re 86 and you own an NFL franchise, what you want to do is go to the games, sit back and be entertained by your well-paid warriors. Leave the headaches to someone else, in this case Tom Donahoe, whom Wilson not only hired as the GM but bestowed the title of president upon, the first Bills’ employee with that much power and say.

Donahoe’s reign has turned out like a Florida election.

The ’04 Bills can’t get through an offensive series without some sort of disaster penalty, usually a dumb one. Each yellow flag is like a dart in the hide of the owner. All he asked for were pleasant afternoons. Instead he’s had a month’s worth of heartburn.

Nothing doing for Bills, Fish
Even Ralph Wilson can’t bear to watch the Bills’ inept offense, which has produced five touchdowns in a 0-4 start. After last week’s 16-14 loss to the Jets, the Bills’ owner unloaded.

“I mean, I’ve watched this game for 60 years,” the 86- year-old Wilson told the Buffalo News. “I’ve heard all the clichés about how we fought back hard. Baloney. If you think I’m going to be smiling that we came back and we fought back, baloney.”

Baloney? Or, in the Bills’ case, Mularkey. As in new coach Mike Mularkey, who is off to the Bills’ worst start since an 0-6 getaway in 1985.

It isn’t any better in Miami, where the 0-5 Dolphins have matched the worst start in team history. But the last Miami team that started off that badly was in 1966, when the Dolphins were an expansion franchise.

So much for that fabled Miami-Buffalo rivalry. The teams face one another today in Buffalo in an AFC East matchup of also-rans.

Not Even Cox Gets Riled Up for Bills-FISH
Mike Mularkey says you can throw the records out the window when the Bills and Miami get together. That’s the best idea I’ve heard all week. Open the window and start tossing. Drop-kick the records into outer space. Destroy any evidence that these proud rivals are the only winless teams in the NFL. Pretend Sunday’s game actually means something.

Has there been a more dreary Miami week? Even Ralph Wilson, the owner, says the Bills are boring to watch. And if the Bills are dull, the Dolphins are your uncle showing slides of his vacation. This isn’t a rivalry, it’s Bengals-Arizona, a race for town dogcatcher on the day of a presidential election. In the past, you could always count on someone to say something outrageous during the week before the game. A year ago, Eric Moulds and the Dolphins’ Patrick Surtain were embroiled in a spitting controversy. But there hasn’t been a hint of hostility this week. No cheap shots. No trash talk, just two garbage teams.

Bills’ waiving of Shaw sends a curious message
Well, they had to do something. The dumbest team in pro football was 0-4 and going nowhere fast. Ralph Wilson, sounding more like disgusted fan than distinguished owner, called the Bills boring and ripped his coaches for their conservative play-calling.So Mike Mularkey tossed Bobby Shaw, a popular veteran receiver, over the side of the boat. Presumably, it would grab the attention of the remaining players and let them know the rookie coach means business. If it could happen to Shaw, it could happen to anyone – or at least, anyone who isn’t a highly paid starter or a high draft choice of Tom Donahoe.

Maybe the players will respond today with an inspired, mistake-free game against Miami, a team even sorrier than themselves. Maybe they’ll open up the offense for Wilson and beat their hated rival in an epic shootout – 6-3, say, or 10-7.

But I’m dubious. Cutting Shaw seems like a desperate gesture by a rookie coach who is trying to show the owner he’s a tough guy. It was supposed to send a message to the team, but what’s the message? If you’re a player, you have to respond with a simple question: How does this make us better?