Monthly Archives: November 2004

11.26.04
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Black Friday is coming around again…

While the rest of the world shopped, I slept. And slept. And slept : ) (Lots of Turkey yesterday!)
Just getting up now…

Not having any $$ to shop, I opted for the responsible Jen. At home in bed. Surrounded by decorations waiting to go up. Hurrah.

Yesterday, the million dollar question was *What do YOU want for Christmas?* Ugh. What do I want for Christmas? (And my birthday shortly after…) Want, want, want. My family has never been about gifts. No one really has the money. The little things, the thought that counts. I like it that way. Getting together and gathering around the table, eating being merry, playing Flinch. THAT is what Christmas is all about to me. Not this *name exchange* and *write three things down* gig. I just want to have Christmas on Christmas. Have the family members that can be in town, gather around my Grandma’s table…and be. And remember.

And…well, that just never seems to happen anymore : ( I guess Christmas has been decided—we will have Christmas on December 19th instead. I understand when you have a LARGE family…but we really aren’t that large. For 27 years we were able to all have CHRISTMAS dinner at my Grandparents. If you had to work, well you came late, or early. But Christmas morning was spent with your family and then everyone gathered at Gma and Gpas. THAT is what I want for Christmas this year…

I also want my GPA to be peaceful and home. Of course this can not be, he is quite sick, and just so very sad. And it is emotionally exhausting and overwhelming for me to spend even 10 minutes in that Nursing Home with a shell of the person who used to be my GPA staring back at me. Ugh. My heart…I love him so much. I wish more than anything that he did not feel alone, or sad, or in pain. THAT is what I want for Christmas.

I also dream of *someone* having that *someone* with me on Christmas Eve. My favorite time of the year. Getting dressed up and going to church. Driving around town looking at the lights, while the Buffalo Philharmonic plays Handel’s Messiah live on the radio. Coming home to a cozy house filled with candles, my cats, and hours of time alone together. Making love. Waking up in each other’s arms. Yeah…THAT is what I want for Christmas.

Demanding little girl, aren’t I? :)

11.26.04
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Off to lunch ; )

I am getting ready to head off to lunch with friends from High School who are driving into town…but I wanted to blog about this before I left.

Seems Mr. Buffalog got to ALL the news stories I wanted to write about, before me. SO I am giving him the kudos and sending you over to him…and if you want to feel stupid, check this one out.

Bass Pro coming to Buffalo. (Yes, this is real.)

Matthew Shepard, To me a crime is a crime. Looks like the criminals thought so too…

11.26.04
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In the evening I’ve got to roam…

So let’s find a bar
So dark we forget who we are
And all the scars from the
Nevers and maybes die
Let’s go out tonight
Have to go out tonight…

Actually I would be more than pleased with a shared evening at Barnes and Noble, coffee, magazines, books…conversation, smiles, flirtations…I’m not really in a *bar* mood. I just want to hang out and be…tomorrow is out night. Tomorrow is Lowest of the Low! : )

But tonight…

11.25.04
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“O Lord that lends me life, Lend me a heart replete with thankfulness.” William Shakespeare

The Old-Fashioned Thanksgiving
(Edgar Albert Guest, 1881-1959)

It may be I am getting old and like too much to dwell
Upon the days of bygone years, the days I loved so well;
But thinking of them now I wish somehow that I could know
A simple old Thanksgiving Day, like those of long ago,
When all the family gathered round a table richly spread,
With little Jamie at the foot and grandpa at the head,
The youngest of us all to greet the oldest with a smile,
With mother running in and out and laughing all the while.

It may be I’m old-fashioned, but it seems to me to-day
We’re too much bent on having fun to take the time to pray;
Each little family grows up with fashions of its own;
It lives within a world itself and wants to be alone.
It has its special pleasures, its circle, too, of friends;
There are no get-together days; each one his journey wends,
Pursuing what he likes the best in his particular way,
Letting the others do the same upon Thanksgiving Day.

I like the olden way the best, when relatives were glad
To meet the way they used to do when I was but a lad;
The old home was a rendezvous for all our kith and kin,
And whether living far or near they all came trooping in
With shouts of “Hello, daddy!” as they fairly stormed the place
And made a rush for mother, who would stop to wipe her face
Upon her gingham apron before she kissed them all,
Hugging them proudly to her breast, the grownups and the small.

Then laughter rang throughout the home, and, Oh, the jokes they told;
From Boston, Frank brought new ones, but father sprang the old;
All afternoon we chatted, telling what we hoped to do,
The struggles we were making and the hardships we’d gone through;
We gathered round the fireside. How fast the hours would fly–
It seemed before we’d settled down ’twas time to say good-bye.
Those were the glad Thanksgivings, the old-time families knew
When relatives could still be friends and every heart was true

11.24.04
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Where are you?

My stupid horoscope:

A love partner could ring you up out of the blue,
Jennifer, perhaps proposing that the two of you get
together tonight - alone. You're in just the mood for
this, since you're in an especially sexy mood and not
particularly afraid to say so. An evening at home, or
in a dark corner of your favorite restaurant, might be
just the ticket. Don't be surprised if your friend
orders champagne and shows up with red roses! Have fun!
11.24.04
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Stuffing and Potatoes

He he. I found this on Big Orange Michael’s Blog.

I too am the stuffing. Well, actually when I first did the quiz I found out that I answered the last question NOT with the answer I would have given but the one that I wanted to eat, which was OF COURSE Mashed Potatoes.

And I came up…

You Are Mashed Potatoes


Oridnary, comforting, and more than a little predictable
You’re the glue that holds everyone together.
What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

But then I answered with with the RIGHT Jen answer and I came up with what I really am, stuffing. Truthfully. I MUST have one with the other. Same spoonful. NOTHING is better.


You Are the Stuffing


You’re complicated and complex, yet all your pieces fit together.
People miss you if you’re gone – but they’re not sure why.

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

11.24.04
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Strange thing mystifying…

Long rambling  post ahead. Hopefully it will be somewhat coherent.

I’m going to work reading a chick lit book called *Engaging Men* once I read the backflap I realized I HAD to read it. Sounded a LITTLE too familiar.

Actress Angie Di Franco is tired of auditioning for the real-life role of wife, only to watch other women land star billing and walk down the aisle with her ex-lovers. A friend of hers is convinced that men are like jars with tight lids: When you give up trying to open them up to commitment, the next person who comes along gets to take advantage of all your hard work.

Almost a year ago, I remember having a discussion with John. I was there standing in his apartment in Arlington, VA. And I recall like the light of day me saying, without realizing that it was bubbling beneath the surface “I am not willing to prepare another man to find his perfect wife.” Ouch. Obviously referring to feelings unresolved lingering from the ex-Howie (and largely undiscovered, since I never wanted to marry this ex, ever.) I allowed myself to be a fill in girlfriend for over 5 years for a man I never imagined a future with (or did I?) As soon as I cut loose the ties, well, a year later…after he cut loose the ties I let loose….he ended up connecting with one of my good friends from college. Who was my *acting* date to my little brother’s wedding, since I did NOT want the family on my back about why I wasn’t going to marry Howie “we thought YOU would be first” blah. Howie was being quite clingy with me up until, OH THAT evening, so I thought that the girlfriend would offset the dynamic. Boy did it ever. The next weekend he was driving an hour and a half to take her out to dinner, and bring her flowers and and and…a year later they were engaged.

So the story goes.

When I uttered those words to John, I could NOT believe I was holding these feelings inside…I knew I was not happy with myself for being so needy and complacent over the years, but well, I VOWED not to be that woman ever again. Ever. I remember after that *discussion* John sitting on his computer chair and me standing over him in his lap…he held his arms around me and looked up to me with the most precious, beautiful soulful eyes I could have ever imagined, grasped me tighter and I just felt *that* that damn elusive *it* spark that you read about and brush aside. The father of my children, my partner for life, staring into my eyes, holding me tighter, keeping me safe and loved. Ugh. I cannot CANNOT let go of that feeling. I did NOT expect to have those feelings, ever. Someone who knew everything about me and loved me just the same. I am not sure how to deal with someone caring for me. I am the one who does the caring. And there he was in front of me. I knew we had a LONG road ahead, but I had never in my life been more certain that my life was going to end up with his…I just felt like fate had a different plan for me. And he was in Virginia while I was in Buffalo. All we needed was time. (I still believe this…)

A year later, well, so much is going on that there is no time for an us. As much as I want to hold on and be there, I can’t can’t pretend. I need more. (From him. NOT a *ring* but him…) Now. My heart is breaking, I miss him…but I am not going to let some silly *feeling* stand in the way of reality. And reality is, well, we are coming up on the one year date and well, I said I would never be that person again. I don’t want him to find his someone else, the person he flies on a whim to go see, the person he brings home to meet his family, the person he woos with romance. But…

Anyhow. My point?

I was reading this book on the way to work. Had all of that on my mind. I started listening to the 80′s at 8:00 to cheer up. Gain speed and momentum. Blah. Nothing good was coming on, until I hear the DJ say “Jen is not having a good night at work and wanted to hear this…” And Express Yourself comes on, interesting. Madonna was just on *Fresh Air* on NPR.

Don’t go for second best baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you’ve got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you’ll know your love is real

You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn’t right then move on
Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better baby on your own

Now how did THAT happen? So I suppose my mood is a little uplifted. I’m listening to music and bopping away the night…until the bus ride home when I start reading the book again. I decide to pull the last little bus ride aside and walk the 15 minutes back to my house, it is a nice Fall night and I have a lot stewing dreaming of grilled cheese as I enter my house. I also find myself stuck with the line from Les Miserables “You will learn, truth is given by God to us all in our time, in our turn.”

La la la. It is not my turn. I’m still working on me.

So I’m happily making my grilled cheese sandwich humming Les Miserables and I see that I have a letter from St. Paul’s Cathedral. The church I WANT to become a member of. Really. I’m planning on going to church THIS Sunday, get back in the swing for Advent. I miss this part of my life. I miss singing in church and participating in the services like I did when I was a kid. I feel a kinship to the grandmothers I love so dearly while attending service. I want to be this person, I need to get to church. So BEFORE I open this letter I am already thinking about this…and I find that the letter is a *welcome newcomer* notice for a meeting this Sunday.

While I am strolling down the letter, flipping the sandwich….I see a name at the bottom of the letter that strikes me. I look again, it is a name from the past. This man is a member of the *Newcomers committee* Huh? COULD IT BE?

S.S. is a man my age. A friend of my friends from High School. He went to college in my hometown and befriended my townie friends. He also was a friend of my ex. BEFORE I WAS DATING Howie in May 1997…I met S.S. the night of Howie’s graduation. Howie and I had a flirtation-friend thing going on from a distance for our entire Senior year (albeit at different colleges, but since he was friends with my HS friends at home, I just got a way with spending A LOT OF time at home that year.) By the time of our graduation, the tension was evident. But nothing was going to happen. He was moving back to NC to live with his parents and study for the LSAT and OH YEAH I was also planning on moving to NC with my friends and studying for the LSAT.

And before you think that this is an interesting coincidence, you have NO IDEA… My friends and I closed our eyes and picked a place on a map, and ended up with NC. A friend already knew people in Raleigh, so Raleigh it was. OF COURSE THIS PLAN WAS MADE before I realized that the friend I had a HUGE crush on, Howie, was not going home to NYC after school after all, but to RALEIGH, NC because his dad was transferred down south a few years ago. Huh? Weird. I swear to God it was a coincidence and match made in, well heaven, but the fact that he is marrying someone else suggests otherwise. OF COURSE Rachel and Brian met because I was dating Howie. So something good came of it, right? And Howie met his future wife because of me. So that leaves EVERYONE BUT ME…anyhow, that was not the point.

The point was it was graduation night 1997. I was crushing on Howie and I knew I was meeting his parents the next day. (His Jewish mom from NYC. Yikes.) Anyhow. We were just friends and I liked him. BUT SO DID THIS OTHER GIRL HE WAS FRIENDS WITH. I guess she found it to be her last chance for a crack at something too, and he ended up um, going home with her on a whim that night, since she was MORE THAN A SURE THING and all we were was um, good friends too afraid to kiss.

ANYHOW. That night I ended up staying up talking all night with this other man. We hit it off smashingly and spent the entire night together on a sleeping bag in the middle of a friends living room talking. I was moving to NC and he was going home to Rochester. I VIVIDLY remember thinking that he could have been, oh the perfect man. A good honorable, funny, dorky preppy glasses man. And I do recall (although we did NOT kiss, we were both very good…and wanted too…) the both of us saying “My God, why didn’t I meet you before now?” Because at that point, there was no point.

Yeah no point.

BUT IS THIS S.S. the same man? Is he in Buffalo? I bet he is married with children and running the committee at church. (I have a penchant for falling for these ultra good boys) Alas. So strange…so very very strange to see his, unusual name, staring back at me. Even if it is not the same person, the thoughts are still there…the *what if* and *not let time pass me by* moments. Lord knows I have had too many of those in the last, oh 30 years. Time to start living and not missing out.

Yeah. Or something. I think that is what I was trying to say, but my fingers are tired from typing. And even if this story goes no further…I sure can think of a few twists and turns for a book. With a HAPPY ending for our dear heroine the hope…is out there, not because of some man I met for one evening and emailed a few times, but for, well someone…given to me by God in my time…and that makes me smile.