The hardest part about breaking up…keeping in touch with the family and friends of the one you loved.
Mark’s mom still sends me emails from time to time, the general family forwards and the like.
Today, I got one of those emails saying that his Uncle passed. An Uncle we spent a lot of time with actually, most of the extended family outings took place at his home. I loved nothing more in the world than our country drives together out to Uncle Ed and Aunt Nora’s. Happy memories of JennyMark.
And now I sit in the office, with tears and want to reach out to the family that I once called my own…
And instead, I send emails.
Bah.
I miss them. I love them.
I hate this part of breaking up…I didn’t mean to become part of the family. I met everyone, and I do mean everyone Mark has a large family and I instantly felt at home, one of their own. It reminded me a lot of what my family was, once upon a time when I was young and everyone was still…still with us.
Sigh…I met a lot of Mark’s family for the first time, sadly to say, at his great-nephews funeral. And in the hospital days before, lending a shoulder to a family in crisis. Something I’ve become very good at in my lifetime.
So I guess, I’m here now crying like a fool, because I’m grieving the loss of my family. What can you do when you breakup? Mark and I weren’t working out, we both knew this and we both held on far too long. But it’s never just the two people breaking up who end up going through the loss, not in a serious relationship anyhow. Not one where you are a part of the family.
My heart breaks everytime my niece Little A mentions Mark. She loved him more than anything and he was around pretty much since she was born. The other weekend when we were playing play-doh she was making a little nest and asked me to make birdies for her. And then said “Mark makes really good birdies.” And carried on her merry little way, just like no time had passed and Mark has been hanging around. Little A is only turning 4…how she remembers the cute birdies Mark made with her a year ago, is beyond me, she’s a little smartie. But in those moments, my heart is sad.
I’m not sad that Mark and I aren’t together, I’m well aware now that we both held on to something we wanted, that wasn’t working. But man, right now, I feel like we’re breaking up all over again.
I miss his family. I miss his friends in Rochester, I mean I miss my friends in Rochester.
Bah. Grieving.
Wondering how a relationship that was once so happy, can change over time…I know it happens. But…looking through pictures at the happy times makes me wonder just HOW it happens, ya know?
The good, the very good, the happy memories of Mark involve Small Town Jen. Coming from a very similar background growing up it seemed likely that years down the line, the two of us would end up somewhere back home. Somewhere with land and a pond and horses…a lovely plot like Uncle Ed and Aunt Nora’s place…Tis just one side of me of course, but one that was nurtured when we were together.
I miss having a home to go home to…and I miss the *idea* of the home I thought I was going to have with Mark.
I’m moving on. But there’s always those sad bumps in the road, today is one of those days.
