Disclaimer: I HATE THE HEAT. MY FEET HAVE BLISTERS. AND I’M DIRT BROKE UNTIL PAYDAY ON THURSDAY. AND I’M FAT.
You know, just in case you are brand new to the blog.
After blogging about the Chicken Finger Incident I decided to kick ass this last week of June. For some reason unknown to me, I actually made it out of bed early Monday morning to walk to work. Which didn’t go very well since I’m a dumbass. Because I enjoy the self-punishment and beating myself up I ended up walking home last night, with raw blisters because, um…because? Because I’m a dumbass. And when I don’t like myself, I treat myself with blatant disregard. I could have EASILY asked for a ride home from a co-worker friend OR taken the bus, but nope. I crawled home slowly in pain miserable…with the sun shiny summer like weather laughing at me the entire way home.
I soaked my feet. And went to bed.
This morning, I took the bus into work and wore comfy shoes with two pairs of socks. By the end of the workday I realized it was already 5:30 and I was still doing work, so I turned off the computer and decided to walk home. My feet weren’t too bad…and the sun wasn’t horrible, and I had been really good with eating today so I wanted to get a walk in too…but by the time I walked in the door to grab my name tag for work I realized I had NO DESIRE TO SEE PEOPLE and I wanted to soak my feet instead.
So I sat at home, soaking my feet realizing that if I did go to work I would be my normal, happy, smiley, fun, loving, social, chatty off-the-chart extroverted self and I would have had a great time. Of course! This includes talking to not just one or two people I might see here or there, but by the looks of my Twitter/Facebook feed AND realizing this was in my neighborhood I would have easily talked to 50 people I knew. EASILY. And that’s not including my co-workers.
However, comma…this is the joy of being a depressive. Surprise! I wanna be social and I love seeing people but I HATE MYSELF AND WOULD RATHER SIT HOME MISERABLE AND HIDE FROM PEOPLE. On the walk home, with every additional inch from my blistered feet I started to get more and more depressed over life, the universe and everything.
Today I am telling myself, no, FEELING that everything I do is wrong. Hence this status update on Facebook: It depresses me greatly to realize there is a generation of people under me working in the same general professional circle making oh…EASILY $10-$20K more than I do a year. What am I doing wrong?
Hello Big D how’ya doin?
On a NORMAL day I realize I chose to go to a private college I chose to go to law school. I chose to go to law school here and there part-time and drop classes while working full-time. I chose to take classes towards my MSW before law school. I chose the student loan debt for my education. I chose to quit my first non-profit job after 5 years because I was assaulted. Ok, I didn’t choose to be unemployed at that time and struggle greatly while trying to figure where life was going to take me next, but I did choose ME over an unsafe work environment. I also chose to stay in Buffalo and not take the NYC Teaching Fellowship (although who am I kidding, I could barely afford Buffalo—-NYC was never going to happen.) I chose to work at the United Way as a PT temp worker and move my way into a FT position in non-profit human services development–which I loved. I didn’t choose for this position to switch to PT but because it did I found a new home I loved in the non-profit performing arts development world…which has led me where I am today working as a Media & Community Relations Manager and I couldn’t love the work I do more.
(I also chose to make that a run-on paragraph.)
But boy when I starting realizing there are people working in my field that are 10-15 years YOUNGER than me making MORE MONEY, it makes my blistered, no wheels, student-loan debt filled heart cry. And I don’t just mean in the private sector either. I might FEEL and act like a 25-27 year old, but I’m not. I’m dangerously close to 40 and still living a life paycheck-to-paycheck. And I don’t see this really changing anytime soon. I just don’t know what to do…
At the same time. PINCH ME! I’m blessed with a paying job that is something I LOVE. I have benefits and a roof over my head. And friends and family who love me.
Even though when I get in these moods, the last thing I want are friends and family who love me. I just want to wallow alone.
Life is good right now, I know this. But I also know I suffer from depression and as crazy as it sounds it does seem to be seasonally affected, even if my seasons are reversed...there’s just something about being sticky and hot and in the sun over 80 degrees that makes me MISERABLE as a human being.
I should remember this and never commit to being anywhere for anything, cause chances are great when I’m in this kind of mood, I will end up choosing me–the me that is exhausted by the idea of being extroverted and around people.