Stay thirsty my friends. AND WARM!
Watching the Teevee. As if Tom Brady isn’t bad enough, Dan Marino is interviewing him. Ugh,
Me: I HATE YOU TOM BRADY! (Yes, I said this out LOUD, of course.)
HWMMS: Wow, you really hate Tom Brady.
Me: Isn’t it time for you to leave now?
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?!
Can’t sleep even though I was so relaxed and ready to crawl under those soft flannel sheets and…why?
Because at the last-minute before bed, I flipped out because I couldn’t find a folder. The folder with the paperwork. The folder with the paperwork for the blood tests tomorrow to start our adventure into fertility testing.
(I needed to know if it was a fasting blood test or not…sigh…)
And I mean flipped out. Like 10 years ago Jenny flipped out. (HWMMS has mellowed me significantly…)
So there I was at midnight SCREAMING that I couldn’t find the folder, there was no OTHER place it could be! I looked frantically, yelled and got frustrated and assumed the universe was against the idea of us trying to have children and we should just forget about it already.
All because of a misplaced folder.
No, I’m not proud. In fact I’m the total opposite of proud, I flipped out and took it out on my kind unassuming Husband who just sat there looking at me wondering what he could do to help. While I was yelling at him to help, help, well, help find it! He thought we could call the office in the morning and OF COURSE WE CAN’T THEY NEED THE PAPERWORK INSIDE THE FOLDER.
My gosh, In a mere matter of minutes I reverted to an irrational petulant child. All or nothing. The folder is gone, we are doomed, it is a sign, I think the scariest part about me typing these words out on the page right now is realizing that I used to freak out like this quite a bit more often…part of the joy of dealing with anxiety/depression over the last 20 years. These days it’s a rare occasion for me to be so ridiculous (without some reason at least, this one was not really a reason.) And I am very ashamed of my behavior and blessed to have a Husband that is able to just roll with it…and love me despite my self and uncalled for outbursts of rage.
Confession? It’s been an emotional past few weeks for me…the waiting and not knowing landed right at the time I turned 40 and we weren’t even TRYING to get pregnant that month. The cycles that have been regular give or take a day or three here and there for about two years suddenly went whacko and all the negative tests just confirmed I had a three-week wicked case of PMS instead. I knew that starting the beginning of January we would start testing—yay! And then instead, I was gifted with an extra two-week wait. Talk about messing with my mind…everything regular and fine until BAM my 40th birthday hits, my regular cycle derails and we can’t even start with the fertility testing and head to the doctor. Surprise! OBVIOUSLY by my reaction tonight I’m not quite as unaffected by this revelation as I thought I was…putting on the happy face, next step mood was a bit superficial, eh?
On top of these emotions and hormonal crazies…someone I love to the core has been hurt deeply by someone I used to? no longer? can’t forgive *yet* ending her marriage and family as she knew it. A dear friend/sorority sister who just visited for my birthday a week before was in a serious car accident and is lucky to be alive. And our old pup Henri the Doggie had to be rushed to the ER vet because of another severe pneumonia type lung infection and had to spend two nights on IVs and meds to be able to come home. We were lucky the last time to bring him home, this time? Super lucky. Stubborn pup.
Lots of stressful reasons for insane emotional imbalances…on top of 3 weeks of PMS. But there’s NEVER a good reason to flip out over something so simple as a missing folder and raise my voice to someone I love more than I ever thought possible who just wants to help me find the damn folder and get to bed already…
Mountain out of a molehill. I found the folder in the closet of course…and I still don’t know if I’m supposed to fast or not. Sigh.
Poor HWMMS. I can only imagine my moods getting crazier along this journey…I hope it is all worth it in the end.
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Time for some wine and a HOT hottub soak.
I turned 40 a few weeks ago. One would think that by this “reasonably adult like age” that I would no longer feel guilty about simple things in life, like, missing an event, right? Wrong.
And it’s time to do something about it. Starting now.
Seriously. Why the guilt?
Since I’ve moved to the Southern Tier where the snow, well, tends to come down a lot. (Except during polar vortexes apparently, ahem.) I’ve realized that driving 45min-90min one way for an event which might take that long or longer to drive in because of the weather isn’t worth my time. (Mostly the weather on my end of the world, a lot of times if I can get past the 219 it seems clear…) And it’s not that I don’t want to attend such events, for example my Leadership Niagara Class Graduation in the beginning of December or…well, my ADPi Alumnae Social tonight…but I really, really REALLY despise nighttime driving and driving in the blowing snow at night. My night vision is HORRENDOUS. Documented at the eye doctor as such I think…HORRENDOUS. I see glares and streaks around lights like no one else can (thank you cataract surgery from 15 years ago…) My artificial lenses reflect light oddly (people have noticed in certain lighting, black lights are AWFUL for me to be under) and this carries over to headlights, street lights and makes it even worse in the rain or the snow. Serious stress. This past week I visited a friend in Erie, PA and found myself driving home during a rainstorm and by the time I got home I went to the sink and almost threw up I was that tense. And last night, HWMMS was driving home from an event and it was treacherously slippery, snowy and windy from Boston/Hamburg all the way to Springville. As in HWMMS said we should not be out on the road right now…and that wasn’t any sort of “storm warning” and it wasn’t me driving…just regular ol’ snow on the 219 in the Southern Tier.
I love where I live. I love snow. I love events. I love spending time with my friends. But I dislike driving in bad weather when it is not necessary even more. So why do I feel guilty or think that people are going to be mad/disappointed? Why do I feel the need to apologize when I know I’m making the decision I want to make for myself?
Seriously. I need help. NO MORE GUILT. I know when I weigh the pros and cons over driving somewhere and I know what decision I want to make. I need not second guess and feel badly about it!
Know what? I don’t even NEED to have an excuse to not want to do or go somewhere. I can just choose not to without feeling guilty! Depression moments and driving ickyness are lovely excuses but so is NO EXCUSE AT ALL. I’m 40 years old. If I choose to not attend the Junior Derby Bout tomorrow with HWMMS and my friends because I want to sit at home and watch the Broncos beat up the Patriots to get in the Super Bowl. I CAN DO THIS AND NOT FEEL GUILTY! If I chose to attend an event last night but choose not to tonight for whatever reason, I CAN DO THIS AND NOT FEEL GUILTY. Yet, I do, sometimes.
Strangest part of this whole life dilemma…if someone else isn’t able or doesn’t want to attend something when I’m planning it or plan on attending , it’s fine. No need to apologize if you don’t feel like coming over and doing the drive to Springville. No need to feel badly if you just aren’t up to coming out to the latest whatever event because you aren’t feeling it…it’s okay! How am I able to be ok with others but not with myself?
Am I alone out there in the world? Do you have the guilts as well? If so JOIN ME IN MAKING THE YEAR 2014 all about what works for YOU and not make yourself feel one second of guilt or wrongdoing over it!
And for those of you emotionally stable enough in the world to wonder why on earth anyone would feel guilty over such things? Well, congratulations for reaching a point of enlightenment that I still struggle with at the age of 40. Pray for me and those like me.
1. Fake plants. Yes or No? I have lots of lovely real plants growing in areas where there is light, but what about those dark corner spaces? (My gut says why not?)
2. Decorative Fireplace Screens. Yes or No? We have a gas fireplace with a chain screen to protect from the flame but can you use one of the pretty decorative pieces in front still? Or are they just for wood burning fireplaces? (My gut says why not?)
3. Mirror Mounted on Stone Fireplace Wall. Yes or No? Our fireplace has stone up to the ceiling and it looks pretty bare. Can I add a mirror? Even if we won’t be able to see anything in the mirror because it is too high up? (My gut says why not?)
4. Wet bar in living room—help! HWMMS has built an amazing large bar downstairs and now we have a closet sized wet bar in the living room with no purpose. What do we do with it? Coffee bar? Wine bar? Booknook seating area (removing the sink?) HELP! (My gut is confused…)
And I wanted to be in there for my 40th birthday: All 52 passengers rescued from ship trapped in Antarctic ice
I’ve been musing about this very thing the last few days. I love my NANU phone, however…Why I’m Getting A Divorce In 2014
Need I say more? You Can Draft A Fantasy Puppy Bowl Team
Michael Bolton Honda commercials make me never want to buy a Honda. Ever. Is this what the advertising team was going for? Also in this one it looks like a big rip-off of Love Actually.
YES TO EVERY SINGLE ONE! (And Boob salad, when you take off your bra at the end of the night and remnants of all the food you ate that day falls to the floor.) 12 Problems That Only Busty Girls Have
Snowstorm Hercules? Meh, I’ll start worrying once I see snowstorm Loki…
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 41,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 15 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.
21st century blogging housewife living the good life in a small town with (HWMMS) He Who Makes Me Smile.
A literary chick just trying to carpe diem and find herself along the way!
Just when you thought you had it all figured out...